God, who I do not believe in, made people. Supposedly. But, being the fickle and indescribably hypocritical bastard that he is, he thought to himself 'Well now, they won't be much fun to watch if they do the right thing all the time. Besides, I'm paying Satan down there two Saints an hour - I'm going to need some sinners so that it's not all for nothing'.
Thus, God - in his eternal wisdom and patronistic glory, created vice.
I went to lunch with my godmother last week - a woman who swears like a sailor, drinks like a fish and smokes like the proverbial chimney, but who is also a devout Catholic. She remarked, and rather correctly at that, that I always look for the worst in people.
"And that, Kelly my Dear," I replied, "is precisely where the interest lies". Better yet, vice is always easier to find.
We humans are a delightfully sinful bunch, which is perhaps, the only thing that makes us truly interesting. My idea of what constitutes as the traditional heaven, is a bland swimming pool surrounded by the people who played 'Eloi's' in the original screenplay of 'The Time Machine'.
Now Hell, it sounds a hell of a lot more interesting. Excuse the pun. According to the Catholics, there resideth the likes of Twain and Wilde, for being blasphemous and homosexual perspectively. JK Rowling already has a bed in the hard-edged brimstone waiting for her, and as I hear it, Elvis Presely and Marolyn Monroe host poker every Friday night. And then of course there are the thousands of other sinners - embezzlers, bank crooks, gays by the thousand, Meryl Streep (because God can't stand the idea of competition), rock bands, and last but not least - Heathergirl. These people, most of whom still have popular cult followings today, were too defective and vice-ridden to make it past the door-bitch at the pearly gates. The place will be like one grand, corrupted, flagitious, life-long mardi gras party! I'll bring the tequila!
Alas, I stray too far from my point.
Where was I? Vice? Ah, yes. So we all have vices - tis the stuff of humanity. I know I'm as ridden as they come. Particularly lately.
But wouldn't you rather it that way?
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