Subtle Changes.

'Tis easier said than done, I'm afriad, but I am learning.

Especially of late.

I have spent a great deal of time attempting to define myself, and with little luck, I'm sorry to say. Today, I had the silly notion that such wisdom would be imparted upon me if I did something to stimulate the muse, and thus, I hopped a peasant-wagon to the Quay and sat on the top-most step of the Opera House, pen and leather-bound notepad in hand. Despite the soundtrack in my ear, and the view before my appreciative eyes, I was really no better for the journey.

No literary genius graced my page, and in fact, there were no words to speak of. So instead, feeling defeated, I rested my head on the rail and stared up at the mid-aftenoon light coming through a crease in the clouds. Now I don't know if it was the sun in my eyes, the location, or the U2 track ringing at top volume in my ears, but I had an important thought.

I find it very difficult to let go. Thus, I must be a person who is intent upon holding on. It isn't much of a thought to be sure, and certainly not a clever revelation. But do you know, it made my melancholy self smile (to the amusement of several passing tourists, I am sure), and renewed my determination to survive the next five weeks.

Having said this, I do realise that holding on to some things is unhealthy. This can be said of the year-long lolly collection that I held when I was 5, the penchant I developed for coffee in my late high school years, or indeed, the shoe collection I have now. It can also be said for the desperation with which I wish to belong to something that has already passed.

This in itself, has undergone a change of late. How to explain myself? I suppose that I have felt these past months, that the other shoe was never going to drop. I stepped out into nothingness, believing that something was going to catch me, but up until now, I have been in freefall.

I can't really say what it was that changed my mind. Perhaps my subconsciousness found a parachute.

Methinks it more likely that I have found a way to appropriate the best of yesterday to the worst of tomorrow. I had help, of course, and it has been a long road. The best part is that I feel I am finally ready to walk down it a way without looking behind me.