Deadly night, a shroud of stars upholding
Your pretence of loveliness – do efface yourself.
My ears guard the terrified
Heart, it-BEATS! it-BEATS! but the rhythm’s all wrong.
Paranoia whispers;
Sweet nothings with a savage zest thump
The wrong side of the drum, its pink skin
Straining to hear in the dark.
Dark. You’re always dark.
Pit of black, my eyes are blinded
And barred by lids fused closed,
Clever tyrant. What care you for voodoo
When, in me, you’ve your very own marionette
Swimming the crawl beneath
The covers in a bed-bath of cold sweat
And lachrymation; someone’s left the tap on.
Teeth clench on a pillow, the mouthful of down
Stifles screams that won’t
Stop until daybreak;
Certainly, something has broken.
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'We literary hacks are shameless creatures. I believe there's no secret of the human heart into which we wouldn't pry.'
'IS THERE NO WAY OUT OF THE MIND?' A DISCUSSION OF:
Floating.
Heather.
- I used to be Snow White...but I drifted.
Emmilou
"Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter! Life's candy and the sun's a ball o' butter! Don't bring around a cloud! Don't rain on my parade! Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to! If someone takes a spill it's me and not you! Who told you you're allowed? Don't rain on my parade!"
Exhausted Topics.
- 'Trigger'.
- 'Winter'.
- 'Red'.
- 'Keyboards'.
- 'Iron'.
- 'Spring Cleaning'.
- 'Luck'.
- 'I ache...'
- 'Reflection'.
- 'Hiatus'.
- 'Autumn'.
- 'Fair'.
- 'Heat.'
- 'Splinters'. January 24 - January 31.
- 'Obsession'. December 28 - January 23.
- 'Birthday'. December 15 - December 27.
- 'Tissues'. November 24 - December 14.
- 'Revenge'. November 17 - November 23.
- 'Blackouts'. November 10 - November 16.
- 'Commitment'. November 2 - November 9.
- 'Walls'. October 29 - November 1.
- 'Doubt'. October 13 - October 28.
- 'Ch-ch-changes'. September 28 - October 12.
- 'Keys'. September 21 - September 27.
- 'Drifting'. September 14 - September 20.
- 'Light'. September 8 - September 13.
- 'Language'. August 31 - September 7.
- 'Disguise'. August 24 - August 30.
- 'Vice'. August 17 - August 23.
- 'Public Transport'. August 10 - August 16.
- 'Surprise'. August 4- August 9.
- 'Death'. July 30 - August 3.
A Room with a View.
'We literary hacks are shameless creatures. I believe there's no secret of the human heart into which we wouldn't pry.'
The Blind Assassin.
‘Why is it we want so badly to memorialise ourselves? Even when we're still alive. We wish to assert our existence, like dogs peeing on fire hydrants.We put on display our..photographs, our..diplomas..we monogram our linen, we carve our names on trees, we scrawl them on washroom walls. It's all the same impulse. What do we hope from it? Applause, envy, respect? Or simply attention, of any kind we can get? At the very least we want a witness. We can’t stand the idea of our own voices falling silent finally, like a radio running down.’
3 comments:
You asked...
I like it. As with all poetry, the more it's read the clearer it becomes.
I would move "heart" (l.4) to end of l.3. Start l.4 "it-BEATS!..."
Assonance in "you for voodoo" seems to have a vaguely humorous ring to it - and so it seems to not work. (Maybe it's just me.)
Can a voodoo doll be called a marionette? Actually don't know; actually asking.
L.13 awkward to speak, esp. "In me you've your"
"eye dew" (l.15) - teenager's metaphor. Omit it altogether and end the line on "sweat"? (A nice harsh sound.)
Going away to read it again. My mood, going into this dark night, is far too cheerful!
Belated, I realise.
I originally arranged it to read
'...terrified heart,
it-Beats!' etc,
but I would then have had to change both 'its' to begin with capitals, and that's not what I want - they're supposed to be mid-sentence - and I hate starting a new line in lowercase.
I like the assonance. You could be right, but I'd rather not change it. As far as the doll/marionette, I don't believe so. What I meant to communicate was that the night, as it were, had no need of voodoo, because it had instead the marionette. Obviously, this hasn't come across as well as I would have liked. I shall work on changing this now.
I'm in two minds about your feelings on 'eye dew'. Do you really think it's teen lingo? Generally speaking, I hate the word 'tear' in all forms. Far too cliched. I want the imagery to depict one who cries in one's sleep. I do agree that it sounds neater ended on 'sweat' though, but I haven't the heart to change the picture in my mind.
Getting much better at this taking-constructive-criticism business!
Went back through - decided to cut out eye-dew as suggested. Sweat does sound much better, and I like that it results in a rhyme with the opening line of the stanza.
A few comma shifts and a change to the voodoo sentence has made it clear, I hope, that the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Let me know if you agree.
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